Why you might be feeling depleted in the early weeks and months of motherhood

We are experiencing huge generational shifts in how we are treated as mothers

We are giving birth under such different circumstances to those who went before us and our recoveries are so very different too. 

In my family, both my mother and my partner's mother didn’t work while their children were small. But the major difference I want to highlight is neither were their mothers, their sisters, or their friends. 

So there was a network of women around them, who had free time to give support, company and care. A network that had known them for years, who knew what was normal for them, how to support them, what meals they loved, the comedy shows that made them laugh.

For most of us our support network looks very different to the ones our mothers (and their mothers) had. 

For most of us mothering now, our close friends and sisters are working. Working long hours in big jobs, with families of their own. Our friends and sisters are just about getting by, cramming a world of tasks into each day. 

In addition to your support network being far busier, maybe you and/or your friends and family have moved away. 

For work, for a bigger home outside the city, to be closer to their parents…

It can be a really lonely time. So no wonder it feels jolly hard. 

Luckily, for some of us this is a time when we meet lots of new friends. NCT groups, baby classes, walking groups, baby massage, baby sensory, stopping to talk to other mothers with a pushchair… 

It can be a wonderful time to bond. 

But, it can also be really isolating, only having new friends nearby most of the time (if you are one of the lucky ones who has found a new support network). 

It is difficult to share difficult things with new people. 

You don’t have years of trust to rely on when you open up about intrusive thoughts, incontinence, relationship problems, worries that you are ‘doing it wrong’ as you read through the books and wonder why the strategies are nowhere close to working. 

For a lot of us we are bone tired, exhausted, struggling to adjust to the new normal, trying to find a home in a new body and wondering how anyone ever manages this.

For lots of us, we are doing this without our ‘village’. 

In addition to the loss of a close support network looking out for you and/or a long stay in hospital with the support of medical professionals most of us are having to figure out postpartum recovery ourselves. 

To get the support you need, most of us have to arrange it for ourselves. Planning for your fourth trimester recovery is something that you have to do. Another thing for the mental load. Researching, seeking out practitioners, finding ways to rebuild your energy levels, heal your body… 

I would love to see this work become so mainstream that mothers don’t have to seek out their own support. 

Also, because it isn’t common to rest, nourish yourself, retreat into a little cocoon of care where you are celebrated and cared for it almost seems indulgent. 

Please know that it most certainly is not indulgent. 

What is necessary for you to heal and recover has somehow become completely lost and we are expected to ‘bounce back’ to a person that no longer exists within weeks. 

I want this post to be a big reminder to you, that you are part of a generation that is rewriting how things are done. Doing anything for the first time is tough. However, those early days, weeks, months and years of motherhood, for most of us, are the biggest transition of your life. 

Doing that in a context that is totally different from your mother, and her mother. With friends who are really busy and stretched and with far less recovery and support from your medical professionals is going to feel really difficult. 

Please take a moment to acknowledge the wonderful things that you are achieving and the circumstances under which you are doing it. 

For many of us we have a very different financial set up to our parents, where our income matters, maybe we even contribute the most to the household income. We are more educated, more traveled, probably with more life experience as we are probably older than our mothers were when they had us. 

Yet somehow this seems to get totally missed. This understanding that things are so very different for us. 

That we may need to return to work when our maternity pay steps down or stops as we are the main contributor to the mortgage. Yet this decision will be questioned by everyone around us. 

That we are doing this without a roadmap. Without our closest friends nearby. For many of us without even the continuity of care from our medical professionals. This makes it harder for lots of reasons but the main one is that if you are struggling, you might not have the right people to notice, ask the right questions and help you to access the support you need. 

Please take this opportunity to check in with yourself and consider how you are feeling? Do you need some more support? Can you call a close friend or family member for a chat? What would make you feel that little bit better? Slightly more comfortable in your space or your body? What kindness could you show yourself today? 

Is society and our wider families celebrating our achievements and cheering us every step of the way. 

No they are not. 

One of the things that makes me really sad is that for most of us, the generational change our male partners are experiencing does get noticed. Not just noticed but celebrated. 

Steve (my wonderful partner) is a superhero to our parents and their generation. “Oh Hannah, you are so lucky to have him. Look at him changing a nappy. He’s cooking a meal now, oh my gosh he has ironed his own shirt”. His role has shifted and the world is so ready to call him a hero, give him a parade and tell him to put his feet up.

To date, no one has ever told Steve how lucky he is. Yet my role has changed too. In exactly the same way that he is doing more childcare. I am doing more bill paying. This goes completely unnoticed. 

Somehow, I thought we were so much further along the journey with equality. Yet, motherhood seems to almost be a step backwards. We were supposed to be able to do anything and somehow instead we are doing everything. 

If no one is noticing the massive shifts you are experiencing, the huge changes you are undergoing. I want you to know what a wonderful job you are doing. I want you to know that I see you, juggling an impossibly large plate. I want you to know that you are a wonderful human and your family (and the world!) is so very lucky to have you. 

Please know that you are walking a new path and inventing how to do it all at the same time. It might not feel like it right now, but you are doing amazing things and you need all the help, love and support you can get. Please be so very kind to yourself along the way. 

NOTE: Please note that this blog post was originally shared as a Weekly Letter. For more content like this please do subscribe below.